Beyond personality - the hidden layers of client connection
Client connection
This week, I wanted to share some thoughts about client connection — and how it’s so much more than just a personality match (or mismatch!).
Earlier this week in supervision, a conversation got me thinking deeply about what actually goes into building a therapeutic relationship that extends beyond personality.
When I step back from the eating-disorder lens and think about relationships in general — the ones in my personal life — I think of things like shared commonalities, a sense of adventure, humour, shared values, and how the relationship leaves me feeling. These ingredients help relationships grow and feel safe.
But in our professional world, the recipe shifts. Building a therapeutic relationship with our clients isn’t just about being “a good match.” It’s also about trust building, knowledge sharing, meeting clients’ energy levels, empathy, and an honest reflection on how the relationship leaves both of us feeling.
Let me share an example.
I once worked with a client who was polite but closed off — giving one-word answers and avoiding elaboration. If I had relied on my personality alone to create connection, we likely wouldn’t have made progress. Instead, I needed to pause and ask myself: What might be getting in the way here?
This is where the phrase “it takes two to have a relationship” comes alive for me. I can’t control how my client feels about me, but I can explore my own feelings about them and the dynamic between us. Through supervision and some honest reflection, I uncovered a few barriers that were mine to address — and that insight shifted our work together.
Connection takes introspection. Without pausing to reflect on what might be blocking the relationship, we risk getting stuck in patterns that don’t serve our clients (or us).
Another layer we sometimes forget about is energy — both ours and our clients’.
Reading the energy in the room takes awareness and precision. For example, I know that I tend to bring a lower, calmer energy into sessions. That helps me meet quieter clients where they are — the ones who carry shame, guilt, or sadness and need a gentle pace. But for higher-energy clients — those who come in fiery, frustrated, or full of urgency — I have to consciously step up my energy to meet theirs.
Meeting our clients’ energy is a form of empathy. It’s how we communicate, “I see you. I’m with you.”
As you reflect on your own sessions this week, I invite you to ask yourself:
What energy am I bringing into the room?
Where might I be feeling blocked in connection?
How can I meet my clients a little more where they are?
These small reflections can deepen the therapeutic alliance in ways that personality alone never could.